I have had a little break from blogging, mainly because I have had a bout of writers block but also because i have not been in a very good place.
I stopped taking my tablets, well I didn't take them for one night because was going drinking, one night turned in to one day which turned in to one week and slowly to 3 months. I thought I was doing fine, in my mind my tablets were just a hindrance. Just a little pellet of chemical that I didn't need in my system, when in actual fact I was hurting the people closest to me. I started going downhill very quickly, I shut out the people that care the most.
I became my own worst enemy, I was struggling to keep up with work whilst putting on a brave face. I was like the proverbial duck on water portraying a calm exterior whilst below the surface (or in this case in my head) I was going hell for leather.
This lead to me finding myself back at the lowest point of my life and wanting the internal pain to end, I needed help and didn't know where to turn. I could see no other option but to end it all.........BUT I DIDN'T. I did find help, my help came from my wife, and close colleague Jill. Since I started working for Jill in 2017 she has given me more good advice than you can shake a stick at, from the get go, she gave me a chance and believed in me, she has a way of making you smile when you are feeling at your worst. Even though I have moved department I still sit in the same office as her and she never fails to make me smile....even on my bad days and for that I will always have a high level of respect for Jill.
With the support (and a stern talking to) from Jill, I got back on my 'much needed' medication and, once again, started to piece together the jigsaw puzzle that is my life. I wouldn't say the pieces fit back together smoothly, and the puzzle is far from finished. But I am on the mend.
I recently celebrated my birthday, and realised I now have to tick a different box in the age range category when filling in forms. I have started my career as a screen actor, appearing as an extra in a low budget production, portraying a sick patient in a hospital waiting room.
It was just 3 months ago that we stepped in to a new year, and along with a new year came the ever popular phrase NEW YEAR NEW ME. Well not for me thank you very much, I have only just started to like the me I am now, so I think I will carry on improving the me I am.
I have just got home from work and as I empty my pockets I realise there is something missing, it is not my keys, I have my work phone and my personal phone, there is £3.20 in change, but no ten pound note.
I instantly start re-checking my pockets as if it is going to magically appear as I check the same pocket for the third time, in the back of my mind I know it has gone and that the chances of me getting back are the same as Winston Churchill becoming Prime Minister again.
I still find myself retracing the 15 minute journey back to the office "just in case" it is waiting for me to pick it up, with the reality sinking in that I had well and truly lost it (the money) a wave of panic swept over me, the sweating palms, pounding heart and a sick feeling lasted no more that 2 minutes.
An unusual thought popped in to my head, one I don't think I have ever had before...….It is only ten pounds. Then as if was Saint Jamie the Patron Saint of Money another thought reared its head.
The following is the thought I had
"I feel happy for the person who has found £10, I hope they use it for good, whether it be to buy their Mum, Dad, Brother, Sister, Husband or wife a gift, or maybe it was found by someone who was in desperate need of a pint, or just somebody who needed a bit of luck. I hope it has put a smile on their face just like the thought of them spending it made me grin. To whoever it was that found it, call it a gift, an act of random kindness from me to you."
After all......it is only a tenner!!!!!
I know I haven't been very active as of late, but my life has taken a turn, and not for the worst. After 2 years of making (and eating) pizza I have finally flown the Domino's Pizza nest and gone on to something a lot more challenging. I now work for social housing company Acis Group Ltd as a Talent Match Ambassador. I have been asked on numerous occasion what that is..........and to be honest I am still finding out myself. All I know is I am now working 5 days a week and absolutely loving it.
As well as gaining full time employment, I have been busy in rehearsals for Stepping Stone Theatres most recent show THE MIND IS KIND, which was an absolute hoot, I had so much fun not only in rehearsals but on the actual night. Even now, nearly a week after the show I am getting people coming up to me in the street complimenting the cast on such a smash hit of a show. There was a point where I honestly didn't think the show would happen, in the course of 5 months there was 3 operations, 1 heart attack and 2 cast members getting jobs, but we persevered and we did what we love doing best, Getting on stage and stamping out the stigma surrounding mental health.
So that is what I have been up to, and I apologise I haven't been as active as I would like to be, but in between the meetings at work, the new rehearsals and the newly found social life I have discovered, I will keep supplying you with blogs.
Keep smiling and continue laughing......because as I have said before........LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE.
They say bad things happen in threes, and the events that have unfolded recently seem to back that up.
Firstly our champion class show puppy, Hugo, took ill, he was rushed to the vets where he stayed for 3 days, we was kept informed of his condition on a regular basis. we then recieved a call from the vets in the early hours of the morning asking us to have a chat and come to a decision to end his suffering.
I had only just got over the past few days when kick in the teeth number 2 happened.
I woke up to a message that rehersal for the latest show had been cancelled due to theatre group leader Bill Rodgers having a Heart Attack and was having a stay in hospital, at first i thought this was a joke as only the week before that Bill thought he was actually having a heart attack.
Kick in the teeth number 3 came just a couple of days after Bills admission to hospital
I was informed that a kind, caring and generous man had passed away, this news was the most shocking of all. The man once known as Champagne Charlie, the man who always had a funny story to tell, the man who also had no problem with telling things straight. Nigel Webster.
Nigel, you have given me valuable life lessons in very short conversations, you have shown me that there IS light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't initially see it. You will be very sadly missed by alot of people. Sleep tight.
Although the news of nigels passing saddened me, i have to say it is not all bad and a few good things have happened.
Bill enjoyed his stay in hospital, but decided a heart attack isn't going to stop him, and he is now back with us and better than ever.
We didn't have to make a decision to end Hugo's suffering, because he is fighting fit and just about back in top form. The day Hugo took ill was also the day of the monthly wrestling event at x-church and i managed to get a photograph with none other than Nick Aldis AKA TNA wrestler Magnus, someone i have been watching on tv since his humble beginnings on Gladiators UK as Oblivion.
It seems clear to me that you can never take life for granted, take each day as it comes because you never know when your last day is going to be. It might be tomorrow, It might be next week or even next year, but until it happens i going to stick with the following theory.
I AM GOING TO LIVE FOREVER
I have never been much of a traveller, but in 2016 I was given the opportunity to travel to London to take part in the annual story camp, where you get valuable information on blogging and vlogging. I had a brilliant day, i took the two and a half hour journey setting off at 6.30am and arriving at London Kings Cross for 9AM where i then embarked on a 10 minute walk till i eventually found my destination. My dat was filled with meeting new people, exchanging blog ideas and having, for once a genuinley fun time without having to pretend i was enjoying myself. Before i knew it, it was time for me to return to the mundane daily activities of home, this is when i noticed "the problem", Time-to-Change had purchased my train tickets and had booked me on to paticular timed trains, so as i walk back to Kings Cross Station my heart sank when i saw the time on the ticket 7.00pm.
So what was the problem i hear you all ask, the problem was i had a two and a half hour wait, what could little me in big London possibly do to fill the time. The first half hour was fine, i visited the Harry Potter store and watched hundreds of people line up to have their photograph taken with the trolley half sticking out of the wall, jusr as it did in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, I also made a trip to a bench between platform 4 and 5, the location of a scene in the final Harry Potter film where Harry and Dumbledore sit on this bench and have a conversation.
This slowly started to lose my attention so i decided to explore the surrounding area of Kings Cross station, one thing that immediatly came to my attention was just how quickly people in london live their lives, rapidly flitting from one place to another, oblivious to the world around them.
This made me uncomfortable, i had started to become agitated, and to make things worse my body went in to red alert mode as two police officers came marching towards me. They had finally found me out, surely coming to arrest me and put me in a police cell, but they walked past me without even glancing in my direction.
I am not sure whether it was relief of not being arrested or the anxiety that made me look toward the sky, but what i saw had made me wish i had kept my eyes firmly toward the ground. Not realising i was so close to an airport i had no idea that the aircraft would be flying so low, and so as the large mechanical bird came soaring towards me i was sure i was done for, i quickly rushed back inside the train station hoping for some security, i had no way of contacting my loved ones to relay my final farewells as my phone battery had died just as i was sure i was about to.
Before i knew it the airplane had soared out of view and another wave of relief gushed over me as i heard the long awaited announcement that my train was now at platform 15, but in my confussion i decided for some unknown reason to revisit platform 4, and so commenced a swift walk to the other end of the station in time to catch my train home.
All my fears and worries drained away as i took my place in seat 67A on the train bound for Retford.
I have never been much of a traveller, i don't think i ever will be, one thing i do know is..........I AM NOT READY FOR THE BIG CITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am 32 years old and have a little part time job at Dominos Pizza that i thoroughly enjoy, mainly because for every shift i work i am entitled to a free pizza, but also because without my little part time job which i still thoroughly enjoy i would not be able to pay my bills.
As much as i love and thoroughly enjoy my little part time job, it just isn't enough for me, those 5 hours i get given a week help me scrape by, but it doesn't allow me to make a contribution to the household that i feel is acceptable, so i do what any person who wants a full time job does.......They search, but my 1 year job search has so far come up fruitless. i have applied for jobs on various websites, i have phoned numerous potential employers and i think most of the employers in my town must now have at least three copies of my CV and Covering Letter.
But as always my search lives on for another day!!!!
I have been to various employment agencies and organisations that can help people find employment and provide resources to help gain employment but always leave with more or less the same answer each time "i am very sorry but we are unable to help you because of your age" or the other answer of "we would love to help you bur because you are employed already there is nothing we can do" i then spend ten minutes explaining how the employment they refer to is for less hours than it takes me to search for a job.
So what is the point of this insane rambling i hear you ask?
Well i would like to direct a couple of questions to our government who provide funding to the employment agencies and organisations who repeatedly turn me away.
Why is it so hard for me to get help finding employment?, why must i be between the ages of 16 & 24? and finally, do you realise there are people out there who are above the age of 24 who only work 5 hours a week that would like to become full time employed?
But i suppose i am never going to get an answer to my questions, i shall have to stick at my little part time job at Dominos Pizza which i thoroughly enjoy and i suppose i can always find comfort in the knowledge that 2 days a week i will be eating pizza for tea!!!!!!
All too frequently i was told as a child that my school days would be the best of my life, and i wanted to believe that, but it seemed to only be true for what i call the future loser, we all know one, it was the person at school who used to make fun of 1 kid and then as an adult end up working for them and it was only then that he realised his fall from his school throne had been a hard one.
I wouldn’t say my school days were the best days of my life but they were certainly memorable, but for all the wrong reasons. When i started primary school i was just like any kid, nervous and scared, but that didn’t last long, I quickly made friends and settled into my new environment, a few weeks passed and everything was great, not only did i have friends but i had also been given the highly sought after job of being the child who rings the school bell to indicate that it was break and dinner times and also the end of our day. The first time i realised i may be heading for problems was when i was walking along the school playground and suddenly went flying forward as if i had taken off, i heard the sound of raucous laughter and when i looked up there was a boy surrounded by his army of goons, i was told that if i sat in his seat again i would get even worse than what i had just received. What made things worse was, i wasn’t sure which was his seat, so every lesson i would wait for him to choose his chair before i sat down.
The next few years went without a hitch, apart from the odd telling off from the teachers for answering their written comments in my workbooks with my own scrawlings. And so primary school came to an end, This was not what i wanted to happen, the carefree days of running around like a lunatic and being able to get away with it had gone by so quickly it was almost like i was being forced to grow up, I was going to secondary school and i had to act responsible.
During the six week holiday i had prepared myself for what i thought was coming, it couldn’t be all bad, i mean surely all my friends would be going to the same school. Secondary School was nothing like i had imagined, i was used to having the same teacher for most of my lessons, but not only did i have different teachers for every lesson i had to go to different classrooms.
Secondary School was nothing like i expected, all the groups and friendship hierarchy had already been put into place and i wasn’t accepted into the lion’s den with open arms as i had hoped, i didn't seem to fit into any group. You could see the social divide, there was the popular kids, a group i most definitely was never going to be part of, The sporty kids which i would loved to be a part of but due to a medical condition it made it highly unlikely that i would be accepted into that clan, there was the technology geeks, now i thought that particular group would be where i was right at home, it turns out i didn't know enough about quad core terra thingies and binary doo-dahs to be one of the gang, there was also the science gang who expected me to know the whole of the periodic table before i was allowed to interact with them, safe to say my asking to join was the first and last time i spoke to them as i thought the periodic table was a table you was only allowed to sit at during certain times of the day.
so that left 2 groups, one was a group of 12 other students who like me, didn't think they would find a friend and the cheerleaders and as much as i like the idea of jumping up and down and shaking my pom poms, i don't think there is enough therapy available through the NHS for me to even contemplate it, so i joined the 12 other students and finally started to form solid friendships.
Apart from my merry band of misfits as we had started calling ourselves, there was one other person that i had no choice but to get on with, my sister Mandy, she was something of a guardian angel to me and always seemed to be there at the right time, it was like she has this super sense and could detect when i was in trouble, most of the times she got in trouble was because she was sticking up for me, I remember one time i went home complaining i was hungry because a girl named Melissa was stealing my food at lunch time, so the next day as i sat down in the cafeteria Melissa approached me she was just about to take a handful of my chips when her head suddenly snapped back, Melissa screamed and i heard my sister shout “get your own fucking chips”. Melissa never bothered me from that day on, all because of my sister.
My sister was ahead of me by 2 years, so it was only a matter of time before i was all alone in school, and when she left that became evident. The name calling became more frequent as did the fights, i am not much of a fighter, and i am not ashamed to say that out of all the fights i have had at school i have never won any of them, partly because my opponent has always been nearly a foot taller than me and partly because i had no interest in fighting.
I started to skip lessons, and sometimes just not turn up to school at all, or there was the few occasions when i would turn up for registration and then disappear until lunchtime then when i had had my fill i quietly slipped off again. And for the remaining 3 years of school i became what was considered a problem child, frequent trips to the head teacher's office and being sent to the isolation unit were becoming a common occurrence, it was during one of my trips to isolation that i found my second school guardian angel, this time in the form of a 6 foot 2 Jamaican teaching assistant called Paul-James or JP for short, JP would sit with me in isolation and we formed something of a bond and i felt i could talk to him, i explained that i didn’t like coming to school because of the bullying and constant name calling, how i felt targeted and singled out and how on most days i didn’t want to be alive.
JP started coming to my lessons with me, and i knew the reason for this was two-fold, to make sure i was not being bullied and also to make sure i actually turned up to my lessons.
JP helped me study for my GCSE exams and because i was described as a struggling student i was allowed to do my exams in the isolation unit, and although he wasn’t supposed to he came across and helped me with a few answers.
I was glad when i left secondary school, on the last day i was treated like any student, mainly because we was all covering each other in eggs and flour, and signing the shirts of people we had hardly even looked at let alone spoken to, But i was glad because the bullying would finally stop, i had college to look forward to, and surely college was totally different to school, wasn’t it I supposed i will just have to wait and see.
On a daily basis people go about their daily lives whilst relying on technology to get them through the day, whether this be a mobile phone, Ipod, or MP3 player. People seem to rely on technology all to much. But how much does technology affect our mental health.
Technology has got its pro's and con's and can be positive whilst also being detrimental to mental health and well being. Growing up in the late 80's there wasn't a great deal of technology that was readily available for public use, unless like me you enjoyed making a hedgehog run at hyper speed and collecting rings and emeralds. Then in 1991 something called the internet happened, you could now turn on your computer and connect to something called the world wide web and access a whole plethora of information.
Having Mental health issues can make social interaction very difficult, People suffering from anxiety may get too nervous to make face-to-face conversation, and in some cases sufferers may feel too scared to leave the house. Many Mental Health sufferers don't have the energy to go out and socialise, and can often struggle to form and maintain friendships and relationships and can feel very alone.
This is where social sites such as Facebook can help as people can stay in contact with friends and family without leaving the house, whilst still maintaining a level of social interaction. There is also a little known social media site dedicated for people suffering with mental health issues (www.mydepressionteam.co.uk).
On the negative side, if people are not getting out of the house and are relying on Facebook and Twitter they are not allowing themselves the whole range of social activities that will not only improve well being but have a positive affect on their mental health.
But along with the websites that offer help, advice and support, there are also websites that can hinder peoples mental health. The internet has become host to a whole list of websites with information on how to commit suicide (If only i had known this before my 7 attempts).
Technology can offer a lot of support but can also offer isolation, maintaining a balance of social interaction via social media and face-to-face interaction will be more beneficial to mental health.
Technology is taken for granted, people use technology to communicate on a daily basis via email, text, and video calling. This in itself can pose a problem as with email and text you cannot get across the true emotion that you are wanting to display and feelings could be unintentionally hurt which could also have a negative affect on mental health.
For me technology is great as i use it for a wide range of things, but every now and then it is good to put down my laptop, turn off my phone and have a good old fashioned conversation.
From as far back as i can remember i was brought up by my mum with the help of my granddad, My Granddad is my hero, he always had the right thing to say in the right situation. He had a sense of humour to rival the greatest comedians of our time, and he was never far away with his next prank. He was my best friend, no matter happened he was always there.
We would do everything together, from trips in to the city, to walking the dogs in the woods, and during those times the laughs were a plenty and the conversations would never stop. We would talk about everything, from what we thought about the television programme we had watched to whether aliens existed, but one of my favourite conversations was when i had asked him how lesbians "did it". after a few minutes of getting over the shock of what i had asked he told me how they lay down find their "special place" and "rub like hell". As a 10 year old i was left amused, slightly disturbed and wishing i had never asked.
We would go on family holidays where the laughs would continue, like the time we had gone to Wales, while climbing a mountain we come across a locked gate, in my granddads stubbornness he was adamant the way to the summit was through the gate, one by one my sister, mum and myself followed by my granddad would climb over the fence, only to be climbing back over 2 minutes later with a dog snapping at our heels, with my granddad exclaiming, "that's not the bloody way".
One day whilst sitting watching television i asked granddad a question i had always wanted to know the answer to Why are we alive?
Without fail he switched of the television, looked at me and started speaking.
"Everyone has different ideas as to why we are alive, everyone has a purpose, a meaning in life, we are all here for a reason. When we die its because we have fulfilled the reason why we are on the planet. My purpose is to make sure you are fed, clothed and looked after, to make sure you have fun, i have taught you to have manners, to respect your elders and treat people how you want to be treated. All of those things are what is expected of a parent or guardian, those are mandatory, but the main reason i am on this planet is to love you, just like when you grow up and have a family your will love your family."
My granddad did everything he said............ and more, so on the fateful day when he passed away i was inconsolable, it was like Batman had lost his Robin, Del Boy had lost his Rodney. I had lost my best friend, my right hand man.
But the values he has instilled in me has made me the person i am today, its because of that conversation that i truly know what it means to love some one.
My granddad may not be around anymore but he will always be alive..........In my heart.
For 2 years i lived across the road from an old church, i would frequently see youths congregating outside and hear the pounding of drums and screeching voices coming from inside the church. As this was no interest to me i avoided the place like the plague and convinced myself it was a dwelling for people who liked skateboards, energy drinks and very loud music.
After a few months of my curiosity growing i finally got my reason to visit the old church, i had also found out it wasn't called the old church but x-church on account of it being.....you guessed it.....an ex church. i had been told of a Mental Health Support Group that ran at x-church on wednesday afternoon, and seeing as i didn't have much of a social life i saw this as my opportunity to get out of the house and meet new people.
I started attending the support group that is held in the cafe and quickly found people i could connect with and talk comfortably with, i had found "my kind of people". People like Donna the x-church cafe manager who has a brilliant sense of humor but also a death stare that could kill a man in seconds, or Kirsty, a fellow member of Stepping Stone again a fantastic sense of humour and my partner in crime.
But none of what happens at x-church would be possible without Marcus, Marcus owns x-church and deserves every bit of credit he recieves, he has taken a beautiful building and made it an important part of the community, he has made not only a place for the "crazies" to meet up but a place where bands can practice, youths can stay out of trouble, and laughter can be spread.
I have since started volunteering at the x-church cafe, where the days are filled with laughter, fun and pranks (sorry Donna) and i love every minute of it.
It's true that x-church is frequented by skateboard lovers, loud music players and energy drinkers, but each and every one of the guys that go to x-church are far from what i expected..........They are better.
And it just goes to show........You can't judge a church by its congregation!!!